26 March 2009

Excellent Conversation Questions - 5 Questions That Keep the Conversation Going and Interesting

People are always on the lookout for good conversationalists. You might not think yourself as a very eloquent person; but by asking excellent conversation questions, no one will be the wise.

Excellent conversation questions keep the energy going. Without it, there will only be awkward silence - something you do not really want to experience. To help give you some ideas on what to ask, here are some examples.

1) Where are you from?

Asking about a person's hometown makes for an excellent conversation question because it leads to all sorts of ideas and speculations.

You have a lot of opportunities to ask follow-up questions about the hometown and its attractions. If you have a relative living around the area, you can bring it up during the conversation as well.

2) What is your favorite film of all time?

Asking this question allows you to share your own favorite films. It's always easier to talk about things which are not serious and are truly of your interest. From movies, you can also move on to other related issues like celebrities or literature.

3) Have you heard about...?

A good conversationalist is always updated on current events. If you wish to have excellent conversation questions readily available, then brush up on politics and entertainment. These are the two branches which capture the most attention. Having an opinion doesn't hurt either.

4) Do you know...?

Asking about mutual friends also helps people warm up to you. Of course, make sure you ask about mutual friends in a polite and friendly manner. No reason to scare the person into thinking that you're targeting one of his or her friends.

5) Where did you get that?

If the person you're talking to has something interesting on his or her arm or is wearing an accessory, then you're in luck. Another one of many excellent conversation questions is asking about what a person is wearing, holding or using. Showing interest in what they have helps make the conversation warmer and more interesting.

There are a lot of excellent conversation questions you can ask another person. All it takes is a little bit of quick thinking and keen observation, and you'll have no problem keeping the exchange going.

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What Men Want in a Woman - The 4 Most Dreaded Words Men Hate to Hear

When you hear about men being from Mars and women being from Venus, what you're often hearing is that women like to talk and communicate while men prefer not to. It's one of the most fundamental differences between the sexes - and it's the one that drives the most people crazy.

"All she wants to do is talk about our 'feelings'!" men will complain to their friends. Meanwhile, women complain to their friends, "He won't talk to me about his feelings!" Is there no middle ground here?

To women, it seems obvious that you'd want to discuss emotional issues. How else will you know what the other person is thinking? Besides, talking about things helps you understand them and feel better about them. So why would anyone want to clam up?

That line of reasoning makes sense - for women. But men's minds work differently. They're just not hardwired the same way as women.

Many studies have shown that men react to strong emotion more physically than women do. Their blood pressure goes up, their hearts race, and it takes much longer for their bodies to return to normal once the crisis has passed than it does for women.

Because of this, men's brains subconsciously urge them to stay away from strong emotion - because it's physically dangerous.

One study among young boys and girls showed that the boys were faster to turn off a tape recording of a baby crying than the girls were. Why? Not because the boys were insensitive, but because they were more bothered by it. The boys were actually MORE sensitive to strong feelings, not less. And that's why they avoid it.

It's been shown that old men are far more likely to die soon after losing a spouse - to "die of grief," as they say - than old women are after losing theirs. Physically speaking, emotional problems hit men harder.

Women often want to ask a man, "What are you thinking?" when he's quiet. They assume that because they get quiet when they're troubled, it's the same way with men.

But it is not, at least not necessarily. Men also get quiet when they're pondering a problem, devising a solution to something. It does not mean anything is "wrong." It just means they are working something out, often something non-earth-shattering and non-traumatic. Women talk their way through problems; men think their way through.

Men do talk, of course. Get them with their buddies and they talk all the time - about sports, cars, movies, video games, TV shows, you name it. Just not their feelings. They get their pent-up feelings and aggressions out through games and camaraderie, not through cathartic chat sessions.

But even strong, stoic men understand (or should understand) that communication is vital in any relationship. They should be willing to talk about things that need to be talked about. The key for you in getting him to open up is to let go at his own pace.

Women's minds focus on feelings, while men's focus on problem-solving. Therefore, if there's an emotional issue that needs discussion, rather than saying, "How do you feel?" or telling him how you feel, you might do better to phrase it as a solution: "Let's figure out a way to deal with this" or "What if we did such-and-such about this situation?"

A good time to bring up emotional issues is when he's relaxed and comfortable and not otherwise occupied. That last point is important. He's relaxed and comfortable when he's watching a football game on TV, but that's certainly NOT the time to interrupt him with this kind of talk. Wait until he's puttering around in the garage, doing nothing in particular, or maybe when you're out together for a casual walk.

As with so many issues in dealing with men, it's important not to pressure him. If he feels like you're manipulating him into talking about his feelings, he'll clam up. So don't set up "meetings."

Do NOT say, "We need to talk." (You can ask any man: Those are the four MOST dreaded words in the English language.)

Instead, arrange a situation you both enjoy where talking will be feasible - going out to dinner, taking a Sunday drive, etc.

Then, if the conversation comes around to the issues you want to discuss, it will be a natural progression, not an agenda.

Above all, you should accept that men are different from women - and that's a good thing.

Just because you're inclined to do something one way doesn't mean that's the "right" way. Let men be themselves. When they feel relaxed and safe, you may be surprised at the things they'll tell you.


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11 October 2006

How to Use Daydreaming to Improve Communication Skills

If we treat learning how to handle specific communication situations as a motor skill, can we use our imagination to improve our relationships?

Alvaro Pascual-Leone, a neurologist at Harvard, has demonstrated that piano players using mental practice improve their performance more than those not practicing at all. In fact, according to neuroscientists Robert Zatorre and Andrea Halpern, when pianists listen to a piece they know how to perform, they activate areas in the motor cortex that correspond to the finger movements they would have to make in order to produce the sounds even though they do not actually move their fingers. Even more amazing, the same parts of their brain activate when they recall the music in their heads.

Studies like these have been done over the past twenties years in sports psychology, where basketball players and golfers have proven to increase their performance through mental practice.

Can we apply this practice to improving our communication skills? Yes. In fact, this practice will also increase the speed of self-improvement.

Generally, we learn how to relate with other people-including skills of leadership, negotiation, conflict resolution and assertiveness-in a classroom, from a book, or from a mentor, but do not get regular chances to practice in real life. Therefore, the information we learn may or may not implant in our long-term memory, and our knowledge is susceptible to being overridden by fear if we do not remember or feel confident to use what we learn.

The good news is that our brains are even more adept at learning active skills than simply remembering information. If you figure out what you want to say and do in specific situations and practice over and over, even if it is just in your head, the brain records it as a skill in your motor cortex where you have access to use it even under duress. It?s true that you can?t account for all interpersonal situations, but you can prepare for upcoming interactions and presentations which will give you confidence for the unplanned events.

BRAIN TIPS:

1. When you want something to happen, practice how you will talk, act, behave and feel in your head a few times every day. Make it your mental practice as you would prepare for a concert or sports event. You have a much better chance of performing well in spite of your fears if your brain can remember what to do instead.

2. When you vision, be sure to monitor your emotions. Your brain works most efficiently when you are feeling happy, grateful, proud, compassionate, hopeful, forgiving, receptive, lucky, confident, optimistic, or any emotions related to feeling good.

3. Be sure to see it through to the end. Whenever you practice mentally, go from start to the finish. Most people just see themselves starting an event. They rarely see it through to the end. You are teaching your brain new skills and ways of being. You need to be thorough so your negative thoughts don?t creep back in.

4. Use this technique to start your day. Vision how you want to feel and who you want to be during the day. Mentally, and physically, practice this all day long to stay on track.

5. Be conscious of your thoughts as often as possible. Running negative tapes in your head is also mental practice that is remembered. You have to stop and listen if you want to change the channel.

Remember, your brain learns quickly. If you choose the lessons you want it to learn, and practice regularly, you will reach mastery. Begin today to master your communication skills.

About the author: Marcia Reynolds has spent over 25 years teaching and speaking to audiences world-wide. She specializes in helping people to understand how their brains work so they can make better choices about their behavior, their communications, and their impact. Speaking in over 11 countries, she has been recognized as an expert in emotional intelligence since 1997. Reynolds is the author of Outsmart Your Brain: How to Make Success Feel Easy and the audiotape series, Being in the Success Zone. Her insights have appeared in Fortune Magazine, Health, Christian Science Monitor, Harvard Management Update, Entrepreneur, Cosmopolitan and The New York Times, and she has appeared on ABC World News, NPR and Japan Nightly News. You can read more at www.OutsmartYourBrain.com or contact her at Marcia@OutsmartYourBrain.com

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10 October 2006

People Ignore Me When We Meet

Question:Tell me what do you do, or what is your reaction, when people you know do not greet you or pretend not to notice you. You sometimes feel hurt when you either greet a person and they do not greet back, as if they have not seen you, OR they do not even look at you whilst passing or standing in a public place.

I sometimes feel resentful and decide that I will never greet such people again. I am not sure whether there may be something wrong with me OR I care too much OR I want to be noticed and feel great. Please help me to help myself so that I can grow inside.

Answer: I know what it feels like to be not greeted. It isn't very nice. It's a feeling of confusion.

Do remember that sometimes people can "ignore" you not on purpose but because they didn't see you. I've done this plenty of times and later found it has made the person feel bad but it was a simple accident.

Let's say they are ignoring you on purpose. The question is, do you greet them? Just slip in a simple "hey" and whether they respond and be rude is upto them. If your relationship with the person is weak (like just a person you've meet maybe and you know their name) why should you matter that they don't respond?

If you stumbled across your partner in public the two of you would happily greet each other. Why? Because you've got a good established relationship. So if someone doesn't greet you, it's likely that they just don't feel any "attraction" or friendship towards you. The greater your friendship the more likely the person will greet you.

Still worried about the person not greeting you? If they don't respond to your greeting or do so with resentment and unwillingness, it then becomes a matter of your insecurity and self-consciousness as you begin to ask yourself "What's wrong with me?" If that's the case, you do having something wrong with you. You can either build the relationship up beforehand or greet the person and overcome your insecurities and not care what the person does.

It's their choice to not greet you. Learn to deal with your insecurities or buildup the relationship beforehand.

27 September 2006

The Top 100 Most Hated People

A national Australian magazine recently announced the top 100 most hated people. These strange surveys are conducted in many different areas such as on sports stars and actors and are in many different countries.

My only thought as to why these type of surveys are done is for a good laugh. Well, this particular survey certainly did that to me.

I'm sorry I couldn't find the official list I'm referring to. However, I found one that's worldwide for your pleasure:
http://www.hat.net/pop/lists.top_people/most_hated_people/

Among the most hated was the Sting Ray that killed Steve Irwin.

What I want you to know is the US President George W. Bush and the Pope, were more hated then Osama Bin Laden! This has probably left Osama very disappointed. The guy tries his hardest to like threaten the world, while the Pope is promoting wonderful things like world peace and yet Osama is more liked.

Why do you think this is so?

The answer ties very nicely in the recent post I made about Steve Irwin's death and in another post about "perceptual blindness" in the managing conflict email I also sent.

Steve's personality made him so visible to us. He was in a position of power even though no position was "officially" assigned to him. This is otherwise known as referent power where you create power for yourself based on charismatic and inspirational like skills. Other people look-up to you and follow you.

President Bush has a position of power that was assigned to him giving him a place in our lives.

Osama Bin Laden created power for himself through devastation and instilling fear in people.

If these positions of power are true, then why is Osama more liked then someone like President Bush or the Pope?

Referring directly from the perceptually blind post:
"Your perception is your understanding of what you see and hear. This means your perceptions are different to others as your understanding differs from theirs.

Perceptions can be nasty little things. What they do is filter out things in what we see and hear. Something may occur, but it does not reach our minds because it was 'filtered' out...

It's very similar to panning for gold except you're not looking for the gold.

You filter out the good (the gold) and let in the dirt with what we see in situations and others. We love to judge, analyze, and criticize others so we perceive the dirt in others."
The Pope has his interests in developing goodness in the world but the voters in the survey didn't see this! They were "perceptually blind" and ignored this.

Oh, by the way I didn't vote ;-)

Guess why he was hated? The voting Aussies hated him because he was too conservative and boring! Come on! According to the survey, this is a more awful characteristic then killing people. Talk about "perceptually blind!"

This just proves how powerful our perceptions are in how we see people.

Your co-workers, friends, family, children, and partner are all judged with this awful and natural human measurement. For this reason, I want you to stop judging people.

I'm currently writing an ebook about the most common communication problems and in it I thoroughly explain judging and how it is one of the biggest barriers to interpersonal communication.

I'll leave you with a powerful quote I use in the ebook: "Assumptions are the termites of relationships." - Henry Winkler

Have a great week with no judging!